I have been feeling a little discouraged and blue this week. I started falling into the same old trap that I always make for myself. I get overly gung-ho about making changes in my life and end up being disappointed because I run out of steam so quickly. This is a habitual fall thing for me. I don’t know what it is about this season but I get hit with this psychotic nesting/organizing/self improvement kick as soon as the leaves begin to change colors and it always ends in a huge, sobbing crash. I saw it coming this year and have decided to slow my roll a bit in hopes of preventing this crash.
I have decided that I need to wrestle these changes I am trying to make in manageable chunks rather than jumping in feet first and struggling to keep myself from drowning. So my big thing for the last week or so has been to get caught up on housework and cleaning/organizing projects. I know that sounds a little silly within the context of the overall goals I have already discussed here but if you really look at good health as an overall picture then it isn’t such a far stretch.
I feel sad and angry when my house isn’t in the state I like it to be in. Because I have mild OCD I find myself focusing on one thing and doing it with hyper-gusto and letting everything else fall apart around me. It is all about control and is actually a major downfall for me; it is something that I have struggled with for years but I feel like I can manage without going completely bat shit crazy by setting realistic goals and talking myself off the ledge when things aren’t happening the way that I want them to. Really my biggest goal is to worry about what I have control over, which is me, I guess I will have to deal with the seething resentment of those who refuse to bend to my will later (hmmm…. Maybe I need a little therapy).
So now that my kitchen is clean and organized Big Orange and I are going to do our major monthly shopping trip. For those of you who know us personally you know that the WE of this statement is a HUGE deal. I have been really working on getting my husband on-board with all of these changes and for him to include me in the shopping is a really big deal. If you don’t know us I realize that you are thinking I am either a completely spineless douche-wad for allowing my husband to have so much control over the food that comes into our home, or I am a completely lazy douche-wad for making my husband do all the grocery shopping. Well, if you think either of those things you can suck a bag of foreskins. It is far more complicated that those easy answers but the important thing is that I feel like Big Orange is tentatively making steps to join me in changes, which will make change much easier.
Speaking of changes being easier, I just celebrated my one month anniversary as a non-smoker! I still have my moments but I am finally starting to feel like a real non-smoker rather than someone who could slit a stranger’s throat for one sweet, sneaky drag of a cigarette. I really don’t miss smoking anymore but I do catch myself breathing a little deeper when I am near someone who is. My point is that it is easier now. I still kind of don’t know what to do with myself at times but it is much easier and I am feeling very confident about never smoking again.
To celebrate Big Orange took me out to dinner at The Montage, one of my favorite Portland restaurants, and to coat things in another layer of awesome sauce The Boy was with us and my sweet friend Liz joined us as well!
Just to follow up on a couple of ongoing topics; my feet and legs are still swelling, one side is still more swollen than the other, and I still have no idea why. As I said in my last post, all tests came back OK so at least all life threatening possibilities have been ruled out. My doctor had to cancel my last appointment with her because she had some sort of emergency so I still need to reschedule that but in the mean time my goal is to work on staying hydrated. I know I haven’t been drinking nearly enough water and I am sure that has something to do with the swelling in my feet and my puffy fucking fingers.
I will catch up with you all next week some time to check in and let you know how things are going!