Me and the Voice in My Head

30 Nov

I want to start off by telling everyone to lighten the fuck up a bit. Seriously, since I started using this blog to chronicle my nonsmoking and weight loss/life fixing journey I have had no fewer than five friends who follow me through Facebook (who are also friends in real life) ask me if I am OK and tell me that I seem to be a bit down lately. According to these friends they all made this judgment based on my recent Facebook statuses… well I went back and looked over my statuses to see if I had been an accidental Debbie Downer but with the exception of one post about having a headache and one about hoping I would get a better night’s sleep so I could get some shit done, there was nothing other than my usual jackassery.  So this leads me to believe that these friends are reading my blog posts, or portions of my blog posts, and deciding that I am ready to start cutting myself or some silly shit like that.

Look, I already said this was going to get dark and not nice on occasion. I try to talk about the things that go on in my life and my head with humor but I am a little dark and I always have been. I have a proclivity toward the grim, sadistic, or otherwise macabre and that is just who I am. I get blue sometimes. I recently quit smoking because I am looking down the proverbial barrel at 40 and I am freaking the fuck out. I went through all of this in my first post already… this is where I choose to come bitch and complain; vent, think out loud, and rationalize and hopefully get a little support and have a few people recognize that I am laughing at myself and maybe laugh with me (but not at me, I will cut you if you laugh at me). I do this here because I don’t think Facebook or my art blog are the appropriate places to do it. So this is the deal, if you don’t like what I post here on MY blog please just don’t read it. If you can’t keep yourself from taking this so seriously just stay away. Ignore the little links that pop up on my Facebook page wall telling you that I have a new post because if you think I am any more depressed and disturbed than I always am you clearly don’t understand the point of my writing here (and you kind of suck).

I am working up to a rant here about how much I hate all of the stupid shit some of you post (daily prayers, post this is you really love this or that, post this if you support that… seriously, fuck off already)… the point is that I am polite enough to keep my mouth shut and I don’t make assumptions about any of you based on what you post on a social media site and if I did I would unfriend 80% of you in real life! If you enjoy what I write here then read it and enjoy, if you don’t then just don’t read what I post here for crying out loud! I am fine. I am working through shit and if you could see what has been going on in my head all day every day for my entire life you wouldn’t be worried about what I wrote here. The point is, don’t make assumptions because the make you an asshole or something like that.

OK, now that I got that out of the way I have to tell you about a truly horrific experience I had! So I told you all a couple of weeks ago that I agreed to have a consultation with a sleep apnea specialist per my doctor’s suggestions… to reiterate, I don’t believe that I have sleep apnea but because I want to know why in the hell I have this weird edema that started out of the blue three days after I quit smoking I agreed to go talk to the specialist to rule out the sleep apnea. The OHSU sleep disorder clinic mailed me a very lengthy form to fill out prior to my appointment (six pages all together).

The questions covered my sleeping habits etc. It asked things like “how likely are you to fall asleep in mid conversation with a person” and “how long does it take you to fall asleep at night”. There was also a section for Big Orange to fill out asking if he hears me snore and if I quit breathing in my sleep etc. I filled it all out and had B.O. fill his part out and was all ready for my appointment. I have waited ten days to write about this because I felt like I should give myself some time to settle down about everything that happened. I doubted myself a bit… thought that maybe I got a little butt-hurt and was overreacting. Well, almost two weeks later I am here to tell you that no, I was not overreacting and what happened was very wrong. Oh! I bet you want to know what the fuck happened, don’t you?

So I show up with the forms I diligently filled out and have to wait for a while before the nurse calls me back to do the whole weighing me and taking my vitals thing. I was a bit thrown off because after she finished with all that she sent me back to the waiting room to wait for the doctor rather than putting me in a room. I asked her if she needed my paperwork so the doctor could go over it but she said no and told me to hang onto it because we would go over it together. About ten or fifteen minutes later she comes back to get me and takes me to a room and the doctor came right in. I am going to give you the he said she said version of my visit with this doctor in three voices… the voice of the doctor, the voice in my head, and my actual voice.

Dr: Hello, I am blah, blah.

Me: Hello, nice to meet you Dr. blah, blah; I am Katie *reach out to shake his hand*

Dr: *looks and my hand as if confused then looks arm my forearm tattoos and visibly recoils (first strike btw).

Voice in my head: What the fuck was that all about?

Dr: So why are you here?

Me: Blah. Blah edema, blah, blah, my doctor wanted me to come talk to you (you all already know why I went so I am sparing you the whole explanation as you have heard it).

Dr: Well, you know you are overweight?

Me: Ummm… yes, I am aware of my weight.

Voice in my head: No shit Sherlock!

Dr: Well this fact puts you at great risk for sleep apnea and I don’t feel we need to discuss anything else until you have been tested.

Me: So are you telling me that because of my weight I have a 100% risk of having sleep apnea?

Dr: Well no, not exactly. You have around a 75-80% chance of having it based on your BMI alone.

Me: Well I would feel more comfortable if you were able to answer my questions and go over the paperwork I filled out with me before we make any decisions.

Dr: *rolls eyes and chuckles* Well, if you really feel that is necessary I suppose we could do that.

Voice in my head: I am starting to feel it is necessary to grab you by the back of your smug fucking head and bounce your face off this desk a few times.

To shorten this up a little but I will just tell you that he spent the next 20 minutes berating me about my weight and making everything I asked him about my weight. I asked about smoking and my circulatory system and if recently quitting could be related to the edema… his response?

Dr: Oh yes, I see that you did recently quit smoking. What you really need to be worried about is the 10 pounds you will gain from quitting because you really can’t afford to gain any more weight.

Me: Oh, well I will have to watch that.

Voice in my head: Did he seriously just fucking say that us??? This douche bag must have a death wish!!! Come on, get off your ass and start wielding the cane of pain! Are you going to sit there and let him talk to you like this?!?!?

I told him about the chronic sinus condition I have had since the Ramsay Hunt Syndrome and the fact that I didn’t snore before said sinus condition started. I went on to explain a bit but he cut me off by holding up his hand to stop me (yes, he gave me the hand).

Dr: You snore because you are overweight.

Me: I have been overweight for 17 years and I have only snored for six of those years.

Dr. You snore because you are overweight. I should look at your throat that will prove this. May I look in your throat?

Me: Ummm… sure. Ahhhhhhhhh….

Voice in my head: I cannot believe we are just going to sit here and take this shit! Where is the real Katie??? My god, what has happened to you woman?!?!?

Dr: Oh! You throat actually looks very good.

Me: Oh? What does that tell us?

Dr: Well, though it looks good I think what probably happens is that you are so overweight the weight of your neck crushes your airway.

Me: *stunned silence*

Voice in my head: Well hell, you better call the fucking fire department to cut my big ass out of this room because I have clearly gain 300+ pounds in the time that I have been sitting here and I am never going to fit thought that door.. You douche bag…. Dr. Douche Bag! Ha! Paging Dr. Douche Bag Hahahaha (both the voice in my head and I checked out at this point because there was clearly no talking to this man and neither the voice or myself felt like getting arrested for assault).

For the record, the Dr looked at my paperwork one time to see what Big Orange’s answer to the question about me stopping breathing in my sleep was and that is the ONLY thing he read. When he saw the answer was no he said he found that hard to believe. I bet you can’t guess why??? Yep, because I am so overweight. I am sure after all this time I left a few bits out but I think you all get the idea. It just so happened that I had a follow up appointment with my regular Dr, that afternoon and when I told her what took place she was horrified and asked me to file a complaint against the guy.

I am not stupid, I understand that I need to lose weight and have been speaking to my doctor about this. We have a plan and I am putting it in action. I get it. I use to work in the healthcare field. I know what I am at risk for due to my weight. But I also know that according to all the tests I have had done recently, Ramsey Hunt related issues aside, I am a relatively healthy person with a yet to be explained case edema. I am not the kind of person who refuses to be weighted at the doctor. I am not the kind of person who gets upset when my doctors address my weight; in fact, I bring it up more than they do.

There is no reason to speak to anyone like that, ever. In fact, I know people and have taken care of people in the past that would and have quit seeing a doctor over shit like this (some who would refuse to see any doctor ever again). This is a very irresponsible way for a medical professional to conduct themselves and I did file a complaint. I filed one over the phone and then I sent one written in my own words to the person I reported over the phone to. I will be hearing back from them within the month and I will update you if anything comes of it.

Woooo!!!! This was kind of a ranty post! On a lighter note; we had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I am off the cough drops except for medicinal purposes and the horrid gas has subsided, and my house is pretty damned clean after my mom helped me pay to have my friend Amy’s lovely daughter Jordan come help me for a day. I am excited for Christmas, one of my current favorite songs just started playing (woot!)… Oh and did I tell you I am excited for Christmas??!?!  Because I am so excited for Christmas!!! I have almost all of my Christmas shopping done and I think we are getting our tree this weekend and I get to put up my zombie village and decorations and I am so fucking excited for Christmas!! Weee!!!!

OK, I am going to bed now. It is too late for getting this worked up about anything, Even Christmas.


Posted by on November 30, 2012 in So this happened today...


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3 responses to “Me and the Voice in My Head

  1. Sarah Brown

    November 30, 2012 at 8:19 am

    OMgosh Katie! I want to congratulate you on the self-control you exhibited, I am almost positive I would have verbally assaulted this sorry excuse for a man. I had a doctor go deliberately against my request once and I could not stop myself from actually yelling at her! Then she had the nerve to act surprised! It was the ever pleasant yearly exam time and her assistant was someone I knew only casually and said “please do not have her in the room” in my compromising position…and she did! Arg! Any who I actually saw a couple weeks ago (via fb) that you’d had a horrible experience at the doctor’s and I just wanted to express my empathy and outrage for you! Ps I am glad you got out of there w/o being arrested! Lol! Hopefully he will be reprimanded.

  2. evilseamstress

    November 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you, Sarah! I would have totally flipped out in your situation! That is a grave violation of your patient rights! When I worked at PP I we weren’t allowed to have any interaction with people we knew, even casual acquaintances.
    Voice in my head aside, the only thing that kept me from flipping out on him was the fact that by the time I got pissed off I knew I was going to file a complaint against him and I didn’t want to look irrational in any way. I do hope the guy gets in trouble because I can’t imagine him treating the older people I saw in there like that… he needs to be stopped.


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Riding the waves of dual-diagnosis as a parent.

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