I have wanted to smoke more in the last week than I have since my first month of not smoking! I think I might have PMS because I have been overeating instead of smoking again. I really need to figure out a better way to deal with my stress because I am all out of vices! I have been a RAGING bitch because of this (and the PMS thing… I am pretty sure it is PMS because I have a couple of huge zits along my jaw line). Despite being a bitch and over eating this week I have found myself trying really hard to be positive and keep upbeat, which is just a weird fucking feeling because I have spend the majority of the last seven days tip-toeing around on the dark side.
I have been working to get my housework caught up in the last few weeks and this takes a huge amount of energy and effort on my part because doing major housework is a really big physical challenge for me. I can keep up on it OK but because I have such bad balance issues and this is so draining on me, it takes me a full day or two to accomplish what I use to be able to get done in a couple of hours. The only room I have left to “spring clean” is my studio/office now and that will have to wait a few days… I was going to force my son to do his room but hey, my mom is coming to stay a week and if grandma dunging out your pigsty isn’t threat enough to make you pick up after yourself then The Boy deserves the ass chewing he will get (and it will give my mom something to keep herself busy with while she is here).
I am getting off track… the whole reason I brought up this cleaning thing is because when my house is clean I get really psychotic about keeping it that way. Which means I am constantly chewing someone’s ass about leaving something, somewhere… in other words, I am not winning any popularity contests around here to begin with. This has me really worked up and stressed out and wishing my balance was good enough to commit to a solid drinking habit (not really).
So my first big food mistake was making the huge Valentine’s Day dinner I made for my guys and thinking I could eat just a little… well actually the meal wasn’t so bad. I made a heart shaped meatloaf but I used Italian chicken sausage and 90-10 ground beef rather than pork sausage and 80-20 beef. And the fancy bacon latticework I made on it was made from bacon strips cut lengthwise so I used ½ the bacon I normally would. I made really delicious roasted veggies with the meatloaf and a huge green salad. The Boy had four friends over for dinner because they were at the skate park and heard the words meatloaf and bacon latticework and… well… there are just some things teenage boys can’t resist. In other words, there was nothing left of the meatloaf after they were finished with it.
It was the damned chocolate pound cake that got me. The chocolate pound cake and my first bout of really shitty news for the week. I am not really at liberty to share the upsetting news as it is not my story to tell but I was pretty upset and stressed out about it and since I don’t smoke any more I turned to the cake. I figure it would be OK because Thursday the start of my Weight Watchers week so I had tons of “extra” points. Well by day two I had gone over my extra points for the week by 2 and had to cut up the fucking devil cake and send The Boy to the skate park with the rest of it just to get it out of the house.
The nail in my coffin was the three bags of candy Big Orange brought home for Valentine’s Day. He already got me a rad gift (flowers and a book about a unicorn being a jerk… and the other half of the money for the tattoo I am getting next month)… I made that fucking cake… he didn’t need to bring home so much chocolate but he insisted that there should be chocolate in the house on Valentine’s Day. By Friday evening I had to tell him if he didn’t get that candy out of my sight I was going to tamp it straight up his ass because I could resist in my pre menstrual, emotional state. I love that man and how generous he is but our joint love of chocolate is a dangerous thing.
I went another two points in the red on Saturday when we went to a dear friend’s wedding pub crawl. I didn’t drink because I had my second sleep study that night but rather than miss out on being there for two very special people who I adore, Big Orange and I went to the first bar on their pub crawl stop and had dinner to show our support of the most adorable couple I have been around in a very long time. I thought I had the burger and fries thing figured out but when I added it to my tracker I was off and as I said, that put me four point total over what I should be at for the week.
My sleep study went fine BTW. I slept with the dumb CPAP thing on and I actually think I slept pretty well! I even slept on my back for a while and I only woke up one time. I didn’t get to bring home my CPAP… I have Medicare so there are hoops that have to be jumped through first but I should get it sometime this week or next.
This is getting a bit long so I will fast forward through the week a bit… I spent most of it doing really well and trying to make up for my deficit in points but being unusually hungry all week. Today was the kicker though. I got some personally devastating news that I am not going to talk about until I know more and have a potential resolution but will say that I was completely leveled and spent the entire afternoon sobbing. By the time Big Orange got home I just didn’t feel like cooking. We had to drive The Boy across town and on the way home I asked B.O. to stop at McDonald’s. I was convinced that junk food would make me feel better but the closer we got to McDs the more I thought about it and I realized that eating that shit would only make me feel like a bigger pile of shit than I already felt like.
I was proud of myself. We came home and I made a quick but healthy, nice dinner and we ate together… then I started talking about my day and explaining the news/situation that has me so upset to Big Orange and the tears started all over again and by the time I was done I somehow I ended up with a pack of 7-11 cupcakes down my gullet and a total of 12 points over my total for the week. I could beat the shit out of myself from the inside out over this horrible week but I am too tired and upset to do it. Instead I think I will take a nice hot shower and go watch an episode or two of Dr. Who in bed. Tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities and I only have one more day to get through before my WW week starts fresh. I think I will still end up down a pound or two so all is not lost. I am doing my best to view the world through rose colored glasses because I think convincing myself that I am not a hysterical mess is the only way I am going to pull myself together and succeed.