This is most likely the last time I will be checking in until after June 22nd. Not to worry, it is for good reason… as I mentioned last time, there is a ton of stuff going on with my son’s pending graduation and I graduate with my associates degree week after my son graduates from high school. I have been very busy helping him stay on track with last minute stuff to make sure that all of his ducks are in a row, and I am taking two very intense classes right now. As if my world isn’t busy enough, it seems that some portion of my brain I have no control over has decided that now is the perfect time to go into depression so deep I need to set aside at least an hour and a half to three hours a day for random crying jags. I also require another hour for arguments with my son and/or husband, and then an hour to wind down and get the crazy train back on the rails and moving forward. So you can see… I have no time for blogging right now!
Most of my crazy is coming from the tremendous joy and heartbreak that comes from watching your only baby growing up and reaching a pretty big milestone and steppingstone toward adulthood. I feel so sad and so excited for him and terrified of the future all at once and it is just too much emotion to keep inside. I just cry like a big, frizzy haired, tattooed baby because I have to. I would totally explode if I didn’t. I am not sure that this is normal or healthy behavior but it is what is happening and I guess I have just decided to own it. This is what I do now. I worry and cry then cry and worry… then I yell at my husband for getting piss all over the bathroom floor. Then I cry some more and ten minutes later I start cracking jokes like nothing ever happened. Go me!
Speaking of my husband, he has started a pretty frustrating practice and he did this the last time I was actively trying to lose weight. He is a fucking saboteur! He was pissed off over the weekend because we didn’t get to go camping for Memorial Day so he brought home a marionberry pie. He brought it home because it was Friday (Friday Pie-Day???) and he “just wanted a fucking pie”. Really, he was just eating his feelings… like ya do. Then the other night he brought home chocolate bars. Three of them. He brought them in the house and threw them on the counter in a suspicious looking black plastic bag. He told me I have been so mean that he just hoped throwing chocolate in the room and running away would keep me busy for a while. Yes, it was up to me to decide if I wanted to eat a piece of that pie (I was proud for stopping at one). It was my decision to eat the candy bars. All three of them in 15 minutes (jeez, binge much?). Even considering my responsibility in the matter, it is a pretty shitty thing to bring goodies into the house when your loved one is trying to lose weight.
This food stuff got me thinking the other day. I think that part of the reason I am having such a rough time emotionally is because I have no coping mechanisms left. I quit smoking (Tuesday will be 9 months!) and now that I have joined Weight Watchers I have taken away emotional eating. So what do I do now? I fall over too fucking easily to get really dedicated to a drinking problem, and I am too much of a control freak to become a good drug addict (Dude, relax! I am kidding!). I guess the only thing to do is to try and find a healthy coping mechanism. I am working on this with the exercise thing but that is something I have to take in steps in ordered to be safe.
Another thing that has had me very down is this ankle swelling issues I have been dealing with for the last nine months. It started three days after I quit smoking and I have, as you know if you have been following this blog, had numerous tests done and have not gotten any answers as to why it is happening or how we can get it to stop. Months of swelling have taken their toll and my ankle has started hurting pretty consistently and pretty badly. I addressed this with my doctor at a recent appointment and she did some new x-rays only to find that I have arthritis in my ankle. I also have a piece of bone floating around in there, which is probably from an old injury (I really can’t count how many times I have rolled my ankles in my poor, pigeon toed life, so who the hell knows when that happened).
I have a brace that I wear when it starts bothering me and I have lidocane patches to use at night and these do help with the pain. I also have an appointment to begin physical therapy. I have no idea what this is going to do for the edema but at this point I am willing to try anything. I am frustrated by all of this and because I have no real answers I have started beating myself up. I asked my doctor if this ankle problem has anything to do with my weight and she confirmed what I already knew… even if my weight isn’t what is causing this problem; it is contributing to it and at the very least, isn’t helping it. This has allowed me to just start beating the shit out of myself and my poor little soul can’t take much more beating.
This is why I was really excited when my friend Beckie invited me to participate in what she is calling her “Validation Jar Experience” and I thought it was such a great idea I have decided to share about it and invite you, dear readers, to participate too! I am getting tired so I am going to steal from the email Beckie sent me about this the other day to explain.
“Beginning June 1, I propose that we take a moment each day to write down something that we like about ourselves and put it in a jar…just for one month. It can be physical, emotional, psychological, etc…just something, anything, a trait, a habit, a characteristic…that you like about yourself. The point of the exercise is to identify, accept, and embrace things that you like about YOU!
At the end of the month, we can share our notes with each other (in a loving and accepting environment) or we can reflect on them individually and personally. Either way, I suspect that it will be enlightening. I am tired of how society doesn’t allow for one to be proud of oneself, and this exercise is my way of saying it’s okay to like/love yourself – tell us what makes you special!”
I can’t tell you how much I LOVE THIS IDEA! It couldn’t have come at a better time for me and I think it will be a very fulfilling exercise. I spend far too much time thinking about what is “wrong” about/with me and not enough time feeling good about what I love about me, and I suspect this is the case for many of you as well. To kick things off I am going to start a day early and say that I love my lips. I love their shape and size, and I love that they are always soft. I also love my tattoos. Looking at them makes me smile because they are a part of my story and they are cool.
What do you love about you? I obviously can’t follow up with all of you at the end of the month but I do hope you participate in this and I also hope that you can take a moment to leave a comment here and share something that you love about yourself. Lets here it! Why are you so awesome?!?!?