I have been avoiding doing an update in this blog for a while now. The truth is that I haven’t been doing so great lately. This not so great feeling started in late fall… about the time that I started slacking off on my workout routine; it got worse after having the flu in December, which turned into pneumonia in January, and then there was the epic two month bout of the shits that followed taking the antibiotic which got rid of the pneumonia. I fell out of my routine during all of this (because, you know, no one wants to be the chick who shit in the pool during water aerobics class). I fell out of my routine and I am now struggling to get back into it. When I say I fell out of my routine I want you to be thinking catastrophic fall. Like not only did I stop working out, I stopped tracking my food intake, and eventually just said “fuck it” and started eating whatever I wanted again. I have put on 7 pounds since January. This makes a grand total of nearly 40 pounds gained since I quit smoking 1 year, 7 months, and 19 days ago. I am not going to reveal numbers here, but I will say that I now weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life… even when I was pregnant and on bed rest.
So yeah, last week I decided to go see my doctor because, as I already covered, I have been feeling less than awesome. I was actually concerned about my potassium levels due to the facts that they were a little low when I had my blood work done last fall; I am on a diuretic for the edema that still plagues me, I have been having leg cramps, and then there is that whole general not awesome feeling thing I mentioned. My doctor was skeptical about the medication I was on even being a help to me in such a low dose to begin with, so she ordered a metric fuck-ton of blood work and told me to stop taking my diuretic for two weeks (until my next appointment with her). That was a week ago today and by yesterday afternoon two things were very clear to me. The diuretic had been working very well, and I wasn’t going to make it another week without it. My ankles and hands are HUGE and they hurt. Edema is stupid. Anyway, I called yesterday to tell my doctor what was going on and they got me in first thing this morning.
The good news is that my potassium levels were actually normal. Which means that I brought them back up to normal by incorporating more potassium rich foods into my diet as was suggested back when I got the low reading. Go me! I started taking my diuretic again when I got home a little before noon, and I have pissed close to fifteen times since (honestly, I stopped counting at ninth trip to the bathroom so beyond that is an estimate)… my ankles and feet are still swollen but my rings seem to be loosening up a bit. That will all be back in control soon (as much control as it has ever been in). But here is the crappy news too. That not awesome feeling??? Well, it probably has a lot to do with the Type II Diabetes I was diagnosed with. This is one of the least awesome things ever. I cried. A lot. I cried in the doctor’s office. I cried in the car on the way home. And I cried a little over my lunch. I am pretty much done crying now because it is time to start kicking some serious ass (although I reserve the right to get weepy about this again any time in the next week… after that I am done).
There is a silver lining to all of this… My levels are just high enough to have received the diagnosis of Type II Diabetes (an A1C of 6.5 is the lowest number considered diabetic; mine is 6.6); since they are at the low end my doctor feels that it is safe to allow me to try reversing this shit without medications. Oh, and yes, this shit is reversible. I have three months to get a handle on it, and get a handle on it I will.
I considered not posting about this. In fact, I almost didn’t even write this. I have been giving myself little pep talks about posting it every few lines. I have deleted more than I have typed. I don’t really want all of you to know this about me but that is the point of this blog, to take the shame away. That is what I am wrestling with. I am ashamed of myself. I know that the health issues I am wrestling with are happening because I am overweight… I know that regardless of my setbacks or any situation I have happened to find myself in, I ultimately have no one to blame but myself. I also know that no one who reads this could ever judge me as harshly as I am judging myself. So I sat here in front of my computer for a long time this evening. I sat here with all of the text highlighted and my finger hovering over the delete button on my keyboard. While I was doing that I realized that keeping this news hidden until I have come out on the winning side is sending the completely opposite message that I want to send with this blog.
I have spent the majority of my adult life (roughly the last 19 years) not doing things because I didn’t think I was good enough to do them. That almost isn’t the correct wording but I am struggling with what would encompass this emotion. It is more like I see this wonderful life for myself but I am not fat in my vision of this life. I am afraid of trying to make that life happen because I don’t want to waste it on fat Katie. So it is like I save all of the moments I want to happen away until I am fit to have them. This all boils down to shame… to hiding myself until I think I am pretty enough and thin enough to really enjoy life. Basically to not live life until I feel like I deserve to live it. This is why I can’t just keep my situation quiet until I have it under control… to do so would just be perpetuating this injustice I have done myself and would shame others who are going through the same thing. Shame halts progress.
I fucked up and I can fix it. I am lucky because this was caught in the beginning stages and it can be reversed without medications, if I do my part. This is my big ass wakeup call! Now it is time to forgive myself and do what I need to do. I have a plan that I worked out with my doctor and I am moving forward. I will talk more about the plan over the next three months, but rest assured, I do have a plan to follow and the only thing I need from any of you is support. It has been a very emotional day and I am drained. I hear the shower and my bed calling my name. I will check in again very soon!