I haven’t posted here in a while. Not because I have nothing to say and not because I am avoiding the saying of the things I do need to talk about, but because I am not sure what to do with this space anymore. I want to/need to continue to write my personal thoughts about my struggles and my life but I am fearful of stomping on toes. I am also fearful of whacking a hornets’ nest. I am very fearful of incurring judgment from those I actually care about, and I am afraid of making those people uncomfortable as well. I have been afraid so I don’t write at all and that sucks dirty chode.
The biggest problem I see with this is the fact that I just typed a fear based word five times in my first paragraph and last time I wrote anything for this blog was six months ago, and that was about facing my fears! I have realized since last posting that my fears have been disguising themselves as anger more than I previously realized. I don’t like being angry and I hate being afraid. So I have decided that I am going to start writing here more often… but there are some things…
Part of the reason I backed off of writing here is because I wasn’t sure where to go with issues involving family and those closest to me. I am still not really sure where the line is but I do know without a doubt that I need to write and be heard and this is how I do it best. Continuing with this blog means taking it in the direction that it has been drifting since its conception, which means I am probably going to offend someone at some point (maybe even you, dear reader). I guess this is a bit of a warning.
Doing this means exposing myself; it means being vulnerable. I have forgotten how to do that and I am working to get that aspect of my humanity back. I have hardened and I don’t like it. Fear has hardened me. If I am going to move forward happily in my life, I need to tackle this and I need to tackle it now. So here is the thing. I am going to talk about a lot of uncomfortable things in the future. These topics may include but will not be limited to sex; sexuality, my sexuality specifically, my marriage, my relationships with my family members, finances, failure, religion, politics, health and weight issues, reproductive health, abortion, naysayers and negative thinking, financial aid, education, and of course anxiety, depression, and OCD (to name just a few).
Because I have no desire to discuss any of these things with anyone who is not going to respond in a supportive and kind manner, and because I also respect the fact that some of you just aren’t interested/don’t want to know these things about me, I am going to stop posting this blog to my Facebook page. If you would like to keep following me on this blog and get notifications when I post something new there is an option to follow this blog via email on the right. You can also subscribe to the RSS feed if that is your preference. I would love to have you follow me and I truly appreciate all of the support and feedback I get from those of you who choose to interact with me.
Know this: Although some feel that publishing thoughts about subjects like this is “inviting” comment, I do not feel that “comments” include abuse. If you follow this blog and you feel like you are going to have a problem with anything that I listed above, please stop now. Abusive comments or attacks will be handled one way and one way only; they will be immediately deleted and commenters will be blocked. I am open to other ideas and opinions but I am not open to disrespectful/abusive/bullying behaviors and I have a zero tolerance policy for such things. You don’t have to agree with or like what I say, but you have no right to attack me or make insulting remarks.
As always, this blog is first and foremost a therapeutic writing practice for me. I very much hope that my struggles and insights are able to help others, even if that means the only help I am giving is making someone feel a little less alone in the world. What this blog is not is a place to debate or argue issues and I will not do it. My blog, my rules. I am inviting you into my world. Consider this my living room and I have just invited you in for a good chat and a cup of tea/coffee. I expect that you will act as you would if you were invited into my real home. Please don’t follow if you can’t respect that.
One last thing before I go put my tired head on my pillow: If you are my relative you may want to stray from this blog from now on. Even if you are supportive and enjoy my writing, it might get a little too real here from now on. I only say this because I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I am not shy when it comes to talking about sexuality and that is going to be a running theme here. So if you are uncomfortable with the possibility of hearing about my vagina and what I do with it, then consider yourself warned.
I am going to give it a few days before I start writing much around here so everyone who wants to come on over and follow can, and those who don’t can get out before I get real. Now I am off to dream land (hopefully).